Growing UP----and OUT

I grew up all through Junior High School, and High School, in Brooklyn, trying, from what I remember, desperately to fit in.  That is probably a common theme, but as I recall it now, my self-esteem was SO low, and I thought SO poorly of myself, that I looked everywhere and ANYwhere for approval and validation--from my teachers, from friends, of course from boys.  And THAT is a recipe for disaster.  I was easily led into behaviors and actions that were strictly to secure approval and friendship from others.  Any boy who paid attention to me became the object of my affections and focus.  And, since no one at home was talking to me about relationships, emotions, and self-esteem, I was kind of "on my own".  I was very smart in school---always had high grades and high praise from my teachers---but that really did not carry into my home life.  My parents were completely caught up with what was happening with my brother-who by this time was severely developmentally delayed,  in special schools, special programs and needing constant care. They had me stay home to baby-sit with him, and never saw fit to give me my "own" time with friends.  Consequently, I never invited friends over to my house, and I certainly never told them what I was doing when I wasn't home.  The disapproval at everything I did that involved my being out of the house was SO thick, that I became an expert at circumventing the questions and planning my next getaway.  When my parents wanted to send him to a day camp for special needs children, they got me a job (at age 14) as a camp counselor at that same camp, so I could "keep an eye on him".  What they did NOT know, was that by sending me into an adult environment, my being the youngest counselor there, they placed me in EXACTLY the situations that they would never have wanted me to be in. I was among older teenagers and twenty-somethings who were smoking, drinking and doing drugs (not while working at the camp), and they were only to happy to welcome me along.  My parents made it clear to me that if I was not thinking of going into one of the "noble professions", (medicine or law) then they certainly were not going to invest in an education for me that included going away to college.  Feeling hopeless, I continued to study,  & worked endless hours as a waitress( another adult environment with plenty of adult distractions), so I could save enough money to make my ultimate "getaway",  and travel the world.